Grief. One simple word describing one’s experiences of loss yet embodies the oceans of emotions that ensue it. Each experience of grief, given similar setup could differ greatly because of its nuances. Grieving a separation as a result of death is different from that of a breakup; grieving a physical loneliness felt is unlike the grief of feeling alone in a relationship; grieving infertility, loss of pregnancy, a stillborn, an infant, a young child and a grown child, while all relates similarly to a loss of a child, feels very distinct from one another. Grief indeed has many unique layers to it. Its characterization cannot be “confined to a box” and how it is being experienced is greatly influence by the specific loss, the context, culture, personalities and more.

 

Evidently, grief has no deference toward mankind. It has its own order of business and timeline. Grief comes and leaves whenever and wherever it pleases. It can happen immediately in the moments of an obvious loss or perhaps weeks, months, or years after, it can also surface in the bittersweet instances of watching children grow up before our eyes. It can be found in sweet memories of the past, in the appreciation of the innocent, carefree days of youth, or even hidden amongst the pains of failings and successes in adulthood. Grief is a part of us all. Each of us can relate to it to a certain extent, if we courageously connect to the innermost parts of our beings and becomings that tie us to our own histories, ancestries, and pasts. No doubt if we are aware, grief also loiters in the transient present, and the foreseen future.

 

Grief is an expression of love. Grief is also one of the most dreaded, painful, and difficult occurrences to endure. It is one of the many things that most people hope to escape from. The fear of what it might trigger or what we might feel, the unknown – scares us. Yet, grief has no malicious intentions, it is not dark, not something we need to “get rid” or “get over”. In fact, if we would take the time to reflect, it is in the moments of griefs, when we allow the sentimental moments of losses (fleeting or deep) or anticipated losses to touch our hearts that we have made the most heartfelt, treasured and deeply unforgettable moments.

 

As a youth, I was never too fearful of death because my faith has always painted a beautiful picture of life after death. Yet, as a mother and a daughter in my 30s, the imagined grief of possibly missing out on my child’s stages of growth, of losing my parents without being able to express my gratitude and love, has made me become more responsible with my lifestyle choices, more intentional in my actions, words, and being. Truly, I have probably become more fearful of death, not because the possible imagined life after death has changed, but simply because, my willingness to connect to things that grieves me, has changed my perspective of living. Consciously or subconsciously over the years, I have built a life that becomes increasingly difficult to let go and say goodbye to. And leaning into these difficult goodbyes has profoundly reordered many of my steps in life.

 

Wouldn’t it then be better to live a grief-proof life: a life of isolation, a life without love, a life cold, hardened and removed? Then we wouldn’t feel the pain and fear of loss, and we might escape grief? Perhaps so. But what meaning is there to life if there is no love, no risk of being hurt, no fear of losing, no pains, regrets or guilts? The chosen grief-prone life while dreaded, is also a life worth living, a life worth dying, a meaningful life of growth. A life that allows a human being to fully own his or her humanity. Besides, who is to say that the so-called grief-proof life may not bring about other forms of griefs? After all, grief is one of the common basic human experiences and as we concurred, is no respecter of man.

 

May I implore each of us to listen attentively to the great teachings of grief, that we might learn not only about ourselves, but also about the splendor of humanity. Accepting grief is the key to the different healings that we need within. Grief can indeed be overwhelming, but rest assured as powerless we might feel in its presence, it can only affect us to the extent we allow it. It cannot overcome us beyond our will. While the consuming, overwhelming sense of loss can render us hard to breathe sometimes, behind the memories of these losses are also where we can find and draw our strengths from. Little that we know, the vulnerability felt during grief, were also the very few raw and rare moments that we come face to face with humanity and life itself, questioning the important questions of lives we lived. Grief allows us to grapple with existence, the meaning of our lives, and make important decisions which could purify our intentions in our day-to-day living.

 

A grieving person is no victim. In fact, the honor of being able to share with someone in their pains and losses is the most profound experience as they permit us to peer through the windows of their beings, while sharing the chance to reflect on subjects that grief may have surfaced in those moments. Grief has the ability to connect us to a community of support who may share the love we have for something or someone, it can also teach resilience, strengths, gentleness and compassion.

 

Perhaps this, is what is needed to effect great change in our world. The grief of mothers crying out for their children in warzones, the grief of a home loss to natural disaster effect by climate change – when we allow our eyes and hearts to bear witness to griefs and pains as such, when we present ourselves opportunities to make room for difficult stories, when we bravely allow grief to surface within our beings, to tug at our heartstrings and attend to the messages it carries, our lives can never stay the same.

 

Grief is indeed powerful. More than the intense emotions it is commonly associated with, grief is a magnificent teacher of life – teaching us to live life more intentionally, authentically, and meaningfully. The questions we need to truthfully ask ourselves: can we accept grief’s inevitable presence, will we make room for it when it arrives unannounced and bravely give it our blessings to work with what’s within as it uncomfortably shows us the concealed parts of our beings in its attempts to make us more attuned to our existence and humanity?

 

May the powerful manifestation of grief in our losses helps us find our way back home to our true purpose of living -– with permission.

 

Hazel Saw Huey Szee