Share Grief Story
Online venting or anonymous confessions are becoming a trend, and for good reasons.
Venting your emotion to strangers benefits more than you’d think. It could help in long term feelings of loneliness. As the stranger often times are not associated with our lost ones, this allow us to unload without having to worry about upsetting the other person.
On top of that, story-sharing may provide active assistance because, in many instances, the people you know in real life might not be able to relate to your situation, while another person belonging to an online community can.
"I was married in 2015, and lost my wife exactly a year later on our first wedding anniversary, which was also a day after my birthday. Loss left me confused, devastated, lonely and the pain only intensify as I move forward without attending to it. Sadly, that is the thing about pain; it demands to be felt. When I eventually sit and look the grief into their eyes, only then I slowly make peace with it. Mapping my way around it is not easy. It takes a lot of faith, courage and bravery to be bigger than your pain of losing someone you love."
March is here. March has been that one month that is bittersweet for me. Why? 3rd of March happens to be my late father's birthday. I think as time passes, I'm able to control this feeling whenever this date reaches. It was really different compared to the previous years. Every time this date reaches, it triggers me. Triggered in a way that we are celebrating what was supposed to be a special day for you but now, that figure of you is nowhere to be seen. Last year, I told my husband to wear your work clothes, you know, the ones you often wear to teach at school on your birthday. Now, I'm reminded of the time where mom said you fell near the drain at school and injured your forehead. I think I was in form 6. I wish I could tell you how dark my form 6 years were. I hated those years so much. You had to go, just a day before my SPM results were out. Come to think of it, none of that really matters at the time. My results didn't matter, it was you who mattered. How can I forget when I last saw your face at the morgue. That pale lifeless body that it still pains me to this day, when the doctor told us the bad news and how me and mom broke down. That unforgettable call I got from mom when she said that you weren't responding anymore. I sometimes ask myself, how can I remember all of this so clearly? Was I unable to forget or I just didn't want to forget? All these things come to mind.
Good news dad, your son has finally gotten married that Saturday. Of course I included you in the ceremony. By taking your picture with me. It's festivities like this that triggers me as well. It feels like leaving you out when we're celebrating. It feels like you'll be sad that we weren't including you. I'm not sure if this saddens you but I'm not working as a teacher anymore. Now I'm working at a place I love and passionate on and my aim is to help. This 'little heaven' at the middle of the city, surrounded by green trees is my safe haven. It's one of my favorite words to describe this place. There are days I could not function properly at work and I just want to be alone. What matters is I'm at a place that gives me calmness.
As your birthday is this Friday, It's not going to be the same as any other day. Whenever March comes, my mind races to the 3rd of March. I decided to dedicate this post for you. I might make this as something annually or whenever I miss you, who knows. One might get sick of me posting about you, saying I haven't moved on but I don't care. Because they have never felt it. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I have actually made peace with this loss. Have I also actually made peace with myself when I lost you? It's a war between my mind and emotions. Going out with a 'mask' on my face and feeling empty and emotionless when I'm alone seems to be my day to day life now. I lost interest with a lot of things, I just don't show it.
Remember at the beginning when I said it feels different from the previous years? I guess I lied. I broke down halfway typing this out.
I lost two good friends in less than a year - Dec 2016 & Oct 2017. I didn't manage to grieve properly as I was busy preparing for the next phase of my life. Perhaps at that time I didn't know how to and just moved on with life. However deep down, I still have that regrets. All the "what ifs". And from time to time, I still dreamt of them being alive, still here with me. One of the dreams that I still affected me to these days, was when they told me that they are proud of me. I wish it was true. Sometimes I wonder what kind of person that they'd become if they were still around.
It may not be a grief that I feel now, but it is a grief that I know will come. I am very close to my father, and as time goes on, I see him get older, his legs get weaker. Every time I think of the dreaded day that will come, my eyes tear up. Just the other day I had a dream where I have lost my father, and I woke up crying, pillow wet with tears. For as long as I have lived, any 2 second I think about that day, without fail tears will come. I fear when the day actually arrives, I will lose my mind, and drown in a deep dark pit of sorrow. Even as I type this now I am holding back the emotions that swells inside me. How I wish I could stay a child forever.
A CELEBRATION OF LIFE FOR COLIN.
5 January 1948 - 9 March 2022
BLACKPOOL, ENGLAND.
I met Colin twelve years ago in my hometown Kuching in Malaysia Borneo. He became my best friend. He showed me the world for the very first time, planned absolutely fabulous holidays which he said, "Ticking off my bucket list!". He took me on a journey of discovery through things which he loved and enjoyed; arts and craft, history, Manchester United, flamenco, glorious food and anything British! Introduced me to people-watching and to much cooler music than I had ever heard.
We had twelve truly joyful years of the deepest love, happiest marriage and the truest partnership that I could imagine. He gave me the experience of being deeply understood, truly supported and completely and utterly loved. And I will carry that with me always. Most importantly, he gave me an extended family. Colin was my rock. When I got upset, he stayed calmed and cool as a cucumber. When I was worried, he said it was ok. When I wasn't sure what to do, he figured it out. When I was serious, he would crack me up with his dry and witty British humour!
Colin was a family man. He was completely and utterly dedicated to his children; Christopher, Nicola, Paul and his stepson Jordan. He adored his grandchildren, Lauren and Rory in every way. When you heard that we were going to have a new grandson from Jordan and his wife Christel; he said with happiness, " Yayyy my replacement is here!". The new baby has your name, Christian Colin.
Colin and I did not get nearly enough time together. But as heartbroken as I am today, I am equally grateful. Even in these last few months of completely unexpected hell, the darkest and saddest moments in my life - I know how lucky I have been to share my life with him. If that day when I walked down that aisle with Colin, someone told me that this would happen - that cancer would take him away from us all. I would still have walked down that aisle. Because twelve years of being Colin's wife and partner-in-crime is perhaps more happiness and contentment than I could imagine. I am grateful for every minute we had.
As we put the love of my life to rest, I am afraid we bury only his body. His spirit, his soul, his amazing ability to give is still with us. It lives on in the stories people are sharing of how he touched their lives, in the love that is visible in the eyes of our family and friends and in the spirit of resilience of our children. Things will never be the same. But the world is better for the years my beloved husband lived.
Wa Ai Ni, Colin Driver.
You are my forever.
For the past 8 years since my dad’s passing, i reminisce about my dad a lot especially during ramadan. He was very much involved in ramadan activities be it at home, at his workplace and within the community.
I’m so thankful that i have wonderful memories of him during the month of ramadan. one of them was he would always participate in tadarus al-Quran at my surau and i would always anticipate his recitings as i could hear his voice through the surau’s speaker. he would also never miss buying a big packet of ice kacang from swee kang for berbuka. and so much more. these little & big pieces of memories warms my heart and at the same time breaks a little.
So now when Ramadan comes, I realized I’ve been doing what i usually do when he was around out of habit or just me honouring my dad. all these great memories of my dad during ramadan also serves as a reminder that he’s no longer here with me. something that i still learn to get used to.
I pray that my dad’s final resting place is full of light and is one of the gardens of Paradise.
As of 4th April 2023, it has been 488 days since you decided that you've had enough of this world. 486 days since you told me you were sorry, and that you'll be gone.
Sometimes, I wonder if that was your note to me, or if you would've still done it if I hadn't given you the space that you asked for. Honestly? It probably doesn't matter anymore since it's been a while, but I still can't get the thought out of my head. All the 'what-if's... but in the end, here I am; writing about you again for the first time since I can remember.
For what it's worth though, I'm glad that you got to say good bye to the person that you loved, even though I wasn't one of them. Although I can't even remember what you look like anymore, or how your voice sounds, I know that you'll always have a special place in my heart. Even now, when I have someone that loves me as much as I do him, and I have the bestest friend I could ever ask for... you'll always be someone that I can never forget.
You will always be Amirul to me, the boy that stuck by my side when everyone else stabbed me in the back; my gentle moon guiding me in my darkest times.
I love you then, and I love you still. Rest easy, Amirul. I'll see you again one day on the other side.
From time to time, I still visit your social media page. I don’t why I did that. Perhaps I am still in disbelief of the fact that you’re no longer here, or perhaps I secretly wish that maybe you’re still here like how I wish my dreams to come true. If only I sent that text to you. If only I had lowered down my ego. And that regret still somehow hurts till today. I wonder if you have any last words for me… and that I could have the closure that I wanted and move on…
I experienced my first time dealing with a death of a loved one nearly 4 years ago, I was 17. I would be lying if I said it didn’t affect me mentally and emotionally— having the fact that it was a new phase that I just entered. I personally feel like the toll a death of a loved one takes on one’s body is indescribable. Perhaps, “adaptation with no healing” is the best way for me to put it in words.
Ever since she went away and breathed her last, I’ve been sticking to this one theory where everyone dies or that life is death. Grief— on the other hand, will come to us all and it is indeed one of the best forms of an unexpressed love. I learn it now that there’s nothing less profound than pointing out the inevitability of dying to tie us all together in suffering.
Unfortunately, it doesn't get easier with time. People don't get over grief, they just go through it every day and surprisingly, that’s the most excruciatingly tedious part of it all. Not that every person has to go through it the same way I do, because that’s the thing about grieving— it’s different for everyone.
Mourners are everywhere but I promise it doesn’t take anyone much to be kind. You could offer them a helping hand, a listening ear or anything that suffices. I hope you heal from all the things you don’t talk about and may flowers grow in all saddest parts of you.
First and foremost, I would like to send my belated condolence to those who have lost their loved ones through a tragic or abnormal death such as suicide.Because there will never be an answer to what happened just before that, and the frustration of thoughts lingering for years, wondering about the truth. Especially when things seem and look so great on social media or in public or in front of families, when actually there has been a total mess behind their closed minds.
The person whom I knew long before, had this happened to his kid. I could not believe it. I heard bits and pieces of the story. All I saw all this while was their success, wealth, status and happiness as a family. I cannot imagine that same jovial person I knew, would have this as his fate in his retired years.
Yet, I can only pray for his mental and physical health till the end. From a distance, I can only convey my warmest hug, across the ocean , to him and his family. I am in grief myself of a recent loss of my brother. Terminal cancer. Within months. My grief as a caretaker in his last days of suffering, as I have to watch him in great pain until his last breath of sakaratul maut. I want to talk more. It has been only a week. I hope to share when I am better. Is there any place in KL, for grieving caretakers like me. Maybe it helps when we are in the same situation. To grieve over our lost ones. And talk about it. I found Dee Grief website by chance. Tq for allowing me to share a bit.